Broken recorder... (edited version...)

Oh wow... Thanks to the broken recorder... It made me feel guilty... Why the hell you all go read the broken recorder when I told you all not to... Anyways... On ur request... Here is the full version of 'The broken recorder...'(so force to...) Dun ever blame me if you cry...



Myspace Layouts
I thought that today would be a bright day... But it soon proved that I am wrong... Another tomorrow had arrived... It was a new day... But it is too normal as if it was yesterday. I reached school, waiting for someone to appear before me... But she did not turn up. During lesson time... I kept turning around... searching for someone who will never be there... We had group discusion during ce lesson... We had fun. But I feel empty... Someone's laughter was missing... I stared blankly at the empty desk... Waiting for the owner to walk in and sit on it. I sat on the desk quietly... waiting for her to join in and give some advices. I looked at one of the players as she tripped and fell on the parade square... I waited... to see her laugh at the girl and say that she is just like herself... I deeply knew that it wasn't going to happened anymore... But I still don't want give up. I just can't give up. It seems hopeless... But I still think that there is hope... I may be cheating myself... But I don't care... I just want to see her and wave goodbye to her. I remembered that time she was scolded by a harsh teacher… Her face was darkening… In a bad mood… Her tears dripped from her eyes… When she saw me walking in her direction… She quickly wiped off her tears, trying to smile and laugh like nothing had ever happened… She was trying to act cheerfully… It made me feel even sad… My heart went so cold… As if it was winter… Seeing her acting… This was the first but also the last time I had ever seen her like that… She said that the harsh teacher said that she was lack of communication… Saying that she don’t have any friends… This was the reason scolding her and taking away her recess time… If she don’t have any friends… What are we??? I was wondering… Why did the teacher treated her so damn unfair compared to me… The teacher should advise her better try to crop with the class like what she did to me… But instead she SCOLDED her for that stupid excuse??? And now… She was gone… And that harsh teacher acted as if nothing had happened… What did she do to deserve that? It is so damn unfair!!! I remembered the joke I told her before the day she was gone… Her laughter keep ringing in my mind... As if a broken recorder... Keep on playing the same thing... again... and again...

The dream… What is it telling me?

Ps. This is something related to Christ... So 4 those who re non-christian... Sry...

I had a dream last night… It was something related to heaven and hell… I remember that I had somehow landed there… at a port. I walked slowly to the seaside and saw many people struggling to climb up to the dry land. I held out my hands to help one of them… I saw a smile appeared on the guy’s face… An evil smile… He took hold my hands… instead of climbing up… He pulled me down into the water… Before I knew it… I was deep under the water… The water was hot… Hotter than boiling water… I felt as if I was burning in a huge fire… At that moment… My body could not move… As if coma… I was downing in this fire burning water…
Then… there was a hand… The hand pulled me up and onto the dry land… I felt dizzy… I heard a voice… The voice said: “Don’t go near the seaside nor help neither any nor them… They are dangerous… They are devils… If you fall into the water… You won’t be able to climb up again…” I opened my eyes and saw a boy about sixteen, smiling at me… Then there were sounds of gunfire… He whispered, “The devils were here… Stay close to me…” He took hold of my hand then said, “You ready to run?”
I asked, “What…” Before I could finish my sentence… I found myself guided by the boy running around the area like the wind… No… We were a lot faster than the wind… We were running in lightning speed… (I would have broken the world record if I could run like that in the real world…) Then he hold me and flew into the sky in a really fast speed… I felt scare and hugged him so tight that I was wondering if he could breath… Everything around me was blur… But in mid air… We were surrounded by millions and millions of ugly looking creatures… He fought and used his body as a shield to protect me…
I remember he had spoken something like a spell or a curse… Then all the ugly creatures slowly collapsed and then fell onto the ground below. But so was him… He was weakening every minute and blood was all over his body. His face looked whiter and whiter… We landed on a ground which seem to be floating in the sky… He fell to the floor… I quickly hold him… I sat on the floor while my hands were hugging him. I cried and said, “Please don’t die… Please don’t…”
He turned around and smiled… He said, “I knew that this was going to happen… I’m going to die anyway… To save my people… Using my blood…” I asked between tears, “Why? You shouldn’t have saved me… You should have let me die in the burning sea… If it wasn’t for me… You wouldn’t have been hurt…” He said in a clam voice, “The reason that I was summoned into this world… is to save my people… And you are one of them…” I asked, “Who are you? Who summoned you?” He replied gracefully, “My godly Father…”
Then he closed his eyes… For a sudden, everything felt silent... And I was dragged into total darkness… I woke up and found myself in my same old room… Tears were dripping from my eyes… My body was cold as ice… I suddenly had a feeling that I had died before…
I felt as if I had been between the borderline of the heaven and hell… The sea was hell… The land floating in the sky was heaven… I remembered that the bible had said that hell was a fierce burning fire… I was in the middle point of both hell and heaven… And the sixteen years old boy… Who is him? He didn’t tell me his name… Could he be Jesus? Godly Father… Save his people… His blood… His sacrifice… Especially his warnings, “If you fell into the water… You won’t be able to climb up…” It was like “If you got into hell… You won’t be able to get out…” Almost everything is related to Jesus… What was the purpose for letting me have this dream? What was God, our father in the heavens trying to tell me?

Freedom...

I want to be free from my own heart... My painful heart... Today… I had successfully locked it in a room which is very far away from here... But I don't think that it would be long for it to return to me... How I hope that the exam period could last longer… Somehow I feel happy when more stress come… What had happened to me? Am I a nerd? Am I retarded? My world is no longer mine… It had somehow disappeared. I guess it should had been taken away from me… It is a good or bad news? I don’t know… Maybe I don’t want to know…

Sunrises... Sunsets...

People that walk by you and things that get lost in the mess are all the memories that will disappear. Violent shaking strength transiently waving weakness. After all they will come to the same end. Such a day melts the red mist. As sun rise, the world is stained in crimson... As sun sets the world is also stained in crimson. What is the differents between sunrise and sunset? Anyone would have agreed that it is equally beautiful... No differents... For me... There is a big differents... Sunrise gave me strength as it was fortelling that the start of the new day is coming. While for sunset... It made me happy yet sad... Happy to see the wonderful moment... Sad because it also mean that the darkness is arriving... I was supposed to be ready for this solitary journey... But I failed to do so... Why is it so? The scars are increasing in numbers... what should I do?

EOY...

Oh wow... EOY have finally arrivied. I feel glad when exams come. It made me busy and don't let me have the spare time to think about all the sad things... I just loved exam. I need to thank the teachers for giving such an easy title and passange for oral. Wow! Today really is a bright day. I may not have good grades but I am sure I won't be as bad as last time. For some reason, I am filled with energy and faith. I hold my reference book.My footsteps were brisk, with great cautiousness, as if any sound would break the tranquil brightness and the gentle sunlight that brought light to this earth, that brighten my day.

Left behind...

The feeling of being left behind… It makes me feel that I am so out-dated… I just hate it… What should I do to prevent it? I felt hurt. I just somehow felt the pain being alone… I know that God is with me… But for some reason I still feel empty… What should I do? I won’t do anything to change myself… I just want to be myself… But… what should I do then? I found out that I actually can’t do anything by myself… Am I too stubborn? too selfish? or what? I know that had a lot of negative sites… But… this is me… What do you expect? What do you want me to do? Maybe I really deserve the pain… But… who knows?

A broken recorder

I thought that today would be a bright day... But it soon proved that I am wrong... Another tomorrow had arrived... It was a new day... But it is too normal as if it was yesterday. I reached school, waiting for someone to appear before me... But she did not turn up. During lesson time... I kept turning around... searching for someone who will never be there... We had group discusion during ce lesson... We had fun. But I feel empty... Someone's laughter was missing... I stared blankly at the empty desk... Waiting for the owner to walk in and sit on it. I sat on the desk quietly... waiting for her to join in and give some advices. I looked at one of the players as she tripped and fell on the parade square... I waited... to see her laugh at the girl and say that she is just like herself... I deeply knew that it wasn't going to happened anymore... But I still don't want give up. I just can't give up. It seems hopeless... But I still think that there is hope... I may be cheating myself... But I don't care... I just want to see her and wave goodbye to her. Her laughter keep ringing in my mind... As if a broken recorder... Keep on playing the same thing... again... and again...

Lies...

The sky can’t tell lies… Therefore the sunsets are forever beautiful… Because it is pure... More pure than anyone one in this world... My world... No days falls to meet the dawn… Even if the darkness heartlessly takes over the world… Sweeps it away from me when it is still uncompleted… Even if I ponder the absurdity I had experience… The blade inside my heart doesn’t seem to fade… But I have faith in the one and only strength in this ever changing world… Because I have faith in my friends, family and everyone who gave me the special strength… Therefore… I choose to live in it… I will leap over the wall… The future is surely awaiting for us… so let’s bid farewell to yesterday… But there is still a long journey waiting ahead… A endless journey that no one will be able to finish it… So… Lets swear to each other that… We stand against the time that sleeps at the swaying red sky and continue forward… But… can I keep this promise? Maybe its just a lie… I don't sense anything had happened... But… I want to be as pure as the sky… Will forever be the true…

Im acting???

Tears filled my eyes… It blurred my vision… The world I see at a second glance is filled with dust, afterimages and heavy shadows… I made some scar today… Maybe I should have made more… Feeling the sharpness of the fragment of the glass… It is thousand times more wonderful then using the blade… Thanks to the biology test… I only remember the first sentence I said to my friend after I got my paper… “you may see jumping off the 7th floor after we were released…” Maybe I should have done it. Or else I won’t have any problem, sadness, pain or anything by now… I tried hard to act as if nothing has happened but I failed… I tried not to cry. But my stubborn tears disobeyed the orders… I am such a failure… But, at least I had a bit success in the end… Nobody knew I was emoing. Expect those who saw my tears… knew. Well… The colour of the scar looked nice… At least it is to me… Nobody wants people to know that they are sad or what… But maybe there is… But I am not that kind… I am acting with a wonderful mask… A mask that totally covers and prevents the real me from being seen and found… The real me is still trying to find out the answer for my question… But what is the question? How do I know what I am seeking for???

Can hatred be removed?

I was having study time and at the same time doing something which is considered illegal. I was smsing with a friend of mine. She said that she hated english remedia, a so-called tuition which we had every wednesday. Well... Actually I also hated it before...I thought that it was just a waste of time and it was so boring at I could fell asleep in five seconds after the lesson starts. But then, I turned around and started to think... Even if I hated it ike hell or like siao... I still need to go for it. No matter what I do or I feel... It will just go back to the same ending. Therefore, I tried to learn to like it. I only think how much fun I can have and not how boring it is. And somehow I started to love english remedia... And was looking forward for it each day. Is hated something that can be removed? I am trying to think positively in everything I hated... I know that it is very difficult to make something you hated into something you love or like... But... I think... It is still worth a try...

Guilty...

Don’t give me that smile. You made me feel guilty… Why can’t you just put it down? And start all again? Why you just dangle there? Is starting all again that hard? Maybe it is… I am not sure but… I am sure that I can’t give you any hope... I will only hurt you again and again… Why are you so damn stubborn? Why can’t you just let go? There are a whole lot of people out there… Why can’t you just let go? You make me feel guilty… I don’t deserve it… I don’t want to take advantage on you like other peoples do… I feel guilty but… I can only treat you as a friend… What do you want me to do?

My birthday...

Oops… This year I didn’t celebrate my birthday again. Yay!!! I feel glad man… XP Actually, should I sorrow or rejoice? My birthday had passed without me noticing… A month before my birthday I was anxiously looking forward to my birthday's arrival… But when that day had finally arrived… I don’t feel like having it and I kept on forgetting it. It sounds weird… Very weird indeed. Somehow I learned to hate birthday celebrations. Past few years of my birthday celebrations were just buying, cutting and eating the cake. Then, the celebration had come to an end. I am still wondering… Why should we celebrate birthday? Our birthday is a day that our mother suffers and their lives had been threatened. Why were we the one who get present and not our mothers? Why aren’t we the one who go and buy present? Well… Maybe it doesn’t bother you… But it bothers me a lot. We didn’t do anything to deserve all the presents. And yet we got the greatest present of all… Life. My birthday always reminds me that I need to thank my mother for giving birth to me… I don’t hope for a celebration, presents or anything. I only hope that my parents are still alive and are living this earth. And that is the only and everything about birthdays to me.

Friendship...

You left without saying goodbye... You just simply left... Leaving your friends behind. You helped me to find friendship and happiness in class. But... You quietly took yours away... How can you absent a few days from school and say that you aren't coming back? But... I want to thank you. I still remember the times went we partnered together when having physical education... You always cheer me up when I am emoing. But it seems that it won't be happening again... I won't be able to hear your encouragements, your jokes and see your smile and you... But... It will forever live in my memories... No matter how far we are... I will remember you. And you will always be my friend. Always!

Ps: Suhaila I hope that you could read this post...

Is this the feeling of... death?

After breaking the record of not posting anything on my blog for one day. I broke another record today for not going online for the whole day. What happened today? I felt like vomitting after having a good dinner. As if there was something stuck in my throat. I could not really breathe... I was scare that I would faint for lacking air. As if imgaination... I felt that darkness was closing in. Is my life ending here? I had a undiscribeble feeling... It made me suffer but I felt very confortable and free at that time... I suddenly felt cold and warm at the same time. Is this the feeling of... death? But soon the feeling disappeared and so was the thing in my throat. Somehow I weren't scare at all... It is confusing... I am confused by my own feelings... I do not really knew what I felt that time. Maybe I just don't want to know... It is just undiscribeble... Ununderstandable...

Juz let it be as it should be...

I act as I am doing nothing, talking about nothing. It's not important to know if that's right or wrong. With my faces looking like I am not thinking a thing but I felt everything. A lot of things have happened, haven't they? A lot of things are still happening… To today, tomorrow was an unknown light… You will never hear me say the phase “See you tomorrow.” Because nobody will know what will happen tomorrow… Will I still be alive? Or will you? To today, yesterday is just memories. You're alive and I'm alive, that's all and everything for today. And for tomorrow… Just let it be as it should be. Our fate is already stated and there isn’t a way to change it. So just let it be as it should be. If tomorrow I had to disappear… I just hope I could stay in the memories of the people I know, I like and I love. Then, that’s enough for me. I just want people to know and remember that I had existed… Then, I am already a thousand times luckier than some people…

Alone

With the sunset, the city quietly forgets its violence
Someday the sky I'm looking at will return my heart, somewhere
I've become somewhat accustomed to this new life, but
My selfish self remembers you
Alone, we are each born
Embracing our own flowers, in order that we may meet
The colored street has a nostalgic scent
No one has a similar sunset in their heart
Even now, the color of the tears that don't know drying
Talks of dreams, just like that time
Alone, If you look up at the sky, alone
The mad passion laughs lightly
I had the feeling that someday you woudn't be here
But times change, and maybe I'll find you
Alone, if I fall in love, alone
My heart will be exposed to the light and my love will burn
You're gone, a voice will continue singing forever
How far will it reach? Now, I want to see you

Somehow...

On the day I arrived at this world, it was meant to be like this. Reality is a traitor… It made me easy to misjudge things… Things move on no matter what. You need to protect yourself in order to live… This is what the world is about. I somehow got into this kind of world… Somehow I am happy but somehow it also hurts. I had arrived at this time. And somehow I met you. I realized that I came into this kind of world in this kind of time just to meet you. I am what I am in the past just to fulfill the need in order to know you. It isn’t because I want you but it is because I need you… I won’t regret for what I had done. Nothing in the world is better than a phrase ‘I like you’ that came from you. No matter what happened in the future, you will forever be in my heart…

Ps. Somehow wrote this out after listening to a tune. Most of the things I wrote is what I read from 1 of the books. I noe tt Im lame. XP

Unreal...

I had been studying in Singapore for 9 months. But I still don't believe that this is real. After so many things had happened... I still think that this is a dream... A wonderful dream filled with pain, sweetness, happiness and sadness... I wish that I could one day wake up and find myself still studyin in Malaysia. This world is so unreal. Just like a fairy tale, full of unimaginable and unpredictable things. Some are happy, some are sad, some are sweet, some are sour, some are wonderful and some hurts... Why things go my way when I don't wan it to? Why does it always go wrong at the worse time? I had been send to the bottom and had finally climbed up... Why is it replaying? Why I can be draged back to the drakness so easily? Im tired... Im stressed up... Why can't just let me rest for a while? This world is so unfair... So unblance... Why some can enjoy while others suffer?

My dicision...

Just met a future counsellor... Maybe what she told me would work... But there is also a chance it won't. Sorry... But I couldn't take the risk. Anyway, I still wanna thank the counsellor for sacrificing her time to deal with my trouble. I had already hurted one so badly and I don't wish to hurt one again. That is why I hesitated. When you exprience it... You will know how I feel now. Two new roads had appeared before me. I am still diciding which road I should go... The narrow one or the wide one. It is hard to dicide. I will wait until the right time has come and make the final dicision. There is no turning back... I will let the time to dicide my fate. Decided the path I should walk. It is still rainin. I am waitin for the sun to come out. I am still waiting for the new day to start...

You Are a Hunter Soul

You are driven and ambitious - totally self motivated to succeed Actively working to achieve what you want, you are skillful in many areas. You are a natural predator with strong instincts ... and more than a little demanding. You are creative, energetic, and an extremely powerful force. An outdoors person, you like animals and relate to them better than people. You tend to have an explosive personality, but also a good sense of humor. People sometimes see you as arrogant or a know it all. You tend to be a bit of a loner, though you hate to be alone. Souls you are most compatible with: Seeker Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Misunderstood...

Drops of crimson blood starts to drip from my hand. It doesn't hurt... Maybe a little. Many do not understand my feelings and that hurts... Many think that I am just writing things that upset myself... But... this is just what I feel... What i wanna ask... What I wanna know... Some say that I am too pessimistic for my age... Some say I am not optimistic enough... Some say I am not positive... But this is me... I won't or should I say I can't change. This is the me in the inside... The part of 'me' that hides deep inside my broken heart... The sorrow is endless... Maybe it will change to happiness... I don't know but also don't wanna know... I will just let the time control everything... The road had ended here... I am now waiting for a new road to be formed... Not matter how long it will take... I will be waiting.

Blessing... Or curse?

The scars are disappearing day by day. What if it is same with memories? Is it a blessing or a curse? Curse? No, it doesn't seem so... If memories can be forgotten... All the bad and sad memories of mine will disappear like it had never happened before... Blessing? No, it doesn't seem so either... All the happy memories will also vanish. And one will be empty forever... If one can live forever... Is it a blessing or a curse? What will one feel when one sees his/her friends, family, relative and loved ones die one by one? If you are force to kill ur loved one... Will you rather kill yourself? Or die together will your loved one? What is love? How do you know if it is real? Or just fake?

Lonely old man....

Inside the small and almost airless sports hall, I was sweating like hell. It is hot but it gave me a sence of belonging. I am training with my fellow teammates. We had fun and laughed a lot. At that momment, I can forget all the sadness and loneliness. I feel power welling up in me. It is incredible... Just then, I saw an old man. He was holding a racket and was standing at the corner of the hall. He walked over and asked "Can I join in? " We noded and he smiled,his eyes crinkling. He look like a child who just got a new toy. He was smiling the whole time. He was searching something that i had been searching too. And both of us had found it... Right here, in this small hall...

Peace...

In this peaceful night, I am gazing at the dark blue sky, hearing the melodious notes of the birds on the branches. And for the first time I realised that the moon is so bright and beautiful. I thought it was just like me, alone without companian. But soon, the stars appear. I smiled weakly at it. It seems that the moon also hav a companian. Luna... Wad a beautiful name... Everything around me was quiet. I feel peace and the loneliness. I looked at the scars on my wrist and feel it with my hand. All the old memories walk pass my mind as if it had just happened yesterday. Drops of tears landed on my pearl white t-shirt. I am alone again... Am I imagine or what? I saw all my friends walking pass me as if they do not know me... Can I forsaken the loves and dreams that well up? And complete the mission with my hands? My eyes are searching for the me that stands somewhere ahead of me. I am still in darkness... When will the dawn come? Where is the time that there is no need to be mortified or be shamed? When will it come? I only know that it is far away... Further than anyone can imagine...

Sunset...

Why does sunset last for only such a short moment? Why such wonderful thing last only for a while? Why can't it last forever, not letting the drakness to take over? The sunset is the most beautiful view I had ever see in the whole world. But it is also the most sad view I ever see... When I look at it I feel happy and yet very sad... Is happiness similar to sunset? Why does sadness always overcome happiness? Why does sadness always come right after happiness? Why does happiness last shorter than it should be while sadness last longer than it should be? Why can't it be reversed? I always gazed at the sunset thought a mist of tears. I always tell myself that i am not alone. But when I look more carefully... I found that... I accually am alone. Being alone hurts... It really hurts a lot... I juz don't wanna face the reality. I juz dun wanna be hurt. I found that Im juz... deluding myself...

You Are 68% Emo

While you may not be completely emo, you have a sensitive, deep, troubled soul.

Are You Emo?

Where is 'me'?

Another tomorrow had arrived. I am still up at 2 in the morning. The cold wind messed my hair. It is cold outside but warm in the inside. My heart is cracking for no reason. Maybe there is, but I don’t want to know. I feel that I am disappearing. Where is the real me? Hidden? Dead? Or this is the real me? I admit that scars are painful… to the inside but not the outside. (If you know what I mean… ) I wonder if anyone had ever saw my hidden wounded heart or hear my deep sad heartbeats… I can only tell the darkness but not the dawn, the sadness of the fate of life but not the happiness. Can I stand until the day death claims me? Or will I be lying on the floor, empty when that day arrives?

You Are Pretty Logical

You're a bit of a wizard when it comes to logic While you don't have perfect logic, you logic is pretty darn good Keep at it - you've got a lot of natural talent in this area!

How Logical Are You?

The rain...

The rain... The loneliness... I am looking at the rain. Feelin the cold, the loneliness, the sadness. I am all alone in my room. How I wish I was at home, playing happily with my sisters. How i wish i was in school with my friends in M'sia. How i wish i am back in primary where i do not have any worries, any sadness. If i didn't choose to come here will I be different from now? Maybe totally different. How I miss the old days when I am surrounded by my friends and treated as a honoured student. But now i am juz a nobody... I am juz nothing. Even if i disappeared i do not think that anyone will notice... Just lik a torch swiched on under the mighty sun. I am juz wasting the battery, the time of everyone...

Waiting...

I closed my eyes, hearing my heart beats. I am desperately searching for where it belongs ever since it started working. And now it is in pain, but I know… There isn’t any world without pain. Every time I look at the red-stained sunset… I remember that… the world… is beautiful, very beautiful indeed… I had discovered a new side of myself. A side that I would never had imagined or dreamt. A side that hasn’t been showed to anyone. Not in the past, not now or in the future. It is a mask that I am wearing now. When will I be able to remove it? Will that day ever arrive? I am waiting for tomorrow to arrive, a new day will start. I am sure a new day will surely start but how many tomorrows do I need to wait?