Why? (Credit: {/autumnlove♥)

A wonderful story!!!
We rode into town the other day
Just me and my daddy
He said I'd finally reached that age
And I could ride next to him on a horse
That of course was not quite as wide

We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
And there was that man that my dad said he loved
But today there was fear in his eyes

So I said daddy why are they screaming
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe?
I'll bet that crown hurts him more then he shows
Daddy please can't you do something?
He looks as though he's gonna cry
You said he was stronger then all of those guys
Daddy please tell me why?
Why does everyone want him to die?

Later that day the sky grew cloudy
And daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy
Boy was he right
But I could not keep from wondering
If there was something he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out
I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds
To a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from the cross

And it said father why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for my clothes?
This crown of thorns hurts me more then it shows
Father please can't you do something?
I know that you must hear my cry's
I thought I could handle a cross of this size
Father remind me why?
Why does everyone want me to die?
When will I understand why?

My precious son
I hear them screaming
I'm watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe you in robes of my own
Jesus this hurts me much more then you know
But this dark hour
I must do nothing
Though I've heard your unbearable cries
The power in your blood
Destroys all of the lies
Soon you'll see past their unmerciful lies
Look there below
See the child
Trembling by her father's side
Now I can tell you why
She is why you must die

做回自己，重获新生命

是好是坏我不很清楚。。。感觉上我好像忘了蛮多的事。。。也忘了那悲伤心痛的感觉及回忆。我变得开朗了，没那么爱面子了，没那么沉默了。。。自从那天起，我成功地把心打开了。我找回了以前拥有的那单纯的快乐。。。我不再被黑暗，孤独或恶魔困扰了。我的生活变得有意义了。我不渴望任何的奇迹或证明。。。因为我已满足了。。。我已相信了，已明白了，已了解了。我承认我一切的过错，无知，固执及惧怕。我不再担心，不再害怕。。。因为我已得到永生，以及赦免。这博客也没有存在的必要了。不过我会把它留着，当作是回忆，当作是我走错路的提醒。我不再是以前的我的，这是一个新的开始。我不会再令你失望的。。。

Chinese youth camp

Best camp ever! Wanna thank all the people I met there. All of you really gave me a really precious and speacial holiday! You all are the best! Not to forget my lovely team, Mini mouse, 尼希米!!! Mini mouse rox!!! Love ya! (ll try 2 look 4 time 2 write report...>.<) Enjoy the following video!!! The camp de! Damn nice! Enjoy... 会督 and 副会督 are in there! ^-^

笑什么？

到了胜局分，我笑了。。。在这紧张的时刻。。。却带着笑容。比赛结束了。我开心地奔到网前和尊敬的对手握手。。。他瞪着我问：“笑什么？”我回答，“在笑因为对到了一个很有实力的对手。打了一场很有趣的球赛。我会期待我们下次的比赛。”我伸出手，他紧紧地握着我的手，笑了。。。这算是接受了我的挑战吧？

The secrets of my heart

if I were to change the words I say to you,
do you suppose they would reach you?
since that time, many seasons have passed
but even though I always smiled at your side
there is still one thing I can't say
Secret of my Heart, I have no doubt
if there will ever be a little bit of tomorrow
the truth ought to be placed in our hands
I can't say, just a little more
I'm waiting for a chance
in this peaceful time, I want to connect a little more
I'm afraid to show you my soul
for a while, I walk apart from you, but why is it that your face
looks about to break? I want to protect you, I want to be close to you
Secret of my Heart, you understand, right?
everyone feels like they want to escape sometimes
but if that's all we do, then nothing can begin
I can't say, but surely, absolutely
I'm calling for a chance
Can I tell the truth?
these words I cannot speak hover around my lips
Feel in my Heart, I just can't hide any more than this,
'Cause I love you...
I will be with you
wherever you are
Can you feel my Heart?
Can't you see you're my Dream? I can't bear to lose
this precious time I have spent with you
when you feel ready to give up, just believe
I just wanna say, I'm not lost anymore
there will come a day
when all the lies will easily be broken apart
and yet, things will never change
Secret of my Heart, Our future is forever...

Stupid qiuz...

A. People who have been tagged must write their answers in their blogs.

B. Tag 8 ppl to do this quiz, those who are tagged cannot refuse. Write who they are tagged by and they are supposed to tag back.

C. Continue this quiz by sending it to other people.the 8 people are ~

-Fang sin
-Jia hui
- Jia Qi
-Jeat Yinn
-Hui Jing
-Xiao Ping
-Mun Theng
-Magdalene
*Sry 4 tt… didn’t mean to…

1. What have you been doing recently?
Reading books… (unbelievable)

2. Do you ever turn your cellphone off?
Yup, before I turn it on…

3. What happened at 10 am today?
I am breathing…

4. When did you last cry?
Yesterday… If I am not wrong.

5. Believe in fate/destiny?
Ya, nobody can change it…

6. What do you want in your life now?
Happiness and peacefulness

7. Do you intend to make a relationship complicated?
Nope, as simple as possible.

8. Are you wearing anything borrowed from someone?
Nope, but Im using something borrowed from someone.

9. What was the last movie you watched?
Detective Conan

10. Does that person know you like him/her?
Dun noe leh… Shld be bah.

11. What always make you laugh?
Nothing actually, only smile dun really laugh. Ll really laugh only when Im self mocking…

12. Do you speak other languages other than english?
Yup… Can really survive only speaking 1 language… ll sian diao...

13. Favourite website(s)?
Those related to detective conan, to be specific, youtube lol…

14. What are you doing tomorrow?
Dun noel eh… Cant foretell wad ll happen tomorrow howda ans?

15. Where have you been today?
Dead in my own world…

16. Sometimes, what do you think you are like?
Im like me lol… Isnt tt obvious?

17. Who will you choose to die with?
I ll wish to die 1st…

18. What games do you play often?
Maybe com games lol… Dun really play games nowadays…

19. Who are you missing now?
All my pri school frens… Still dun hav a chance 2 meet them…

20. If you have to choose between a love and a friend, who will you choose?
Depends, should be friend.

21. What are you doing now?
Slacking and crapping bah…

22. Which primary school did you come from?
Kepong 2, I noe tt my sch aint popular…

23. Name 3 colours you like.
- green
- white
- red(crimson)

24. What emotion do you like to show?
Any emotion, nt the true 1 then can liao.

25. What is your life to you now?
Fun, sad, touching, miserable… All crumpled together ^-^

26. If you have something troubling you, what will you do?
Try to solve it, if cant then just act that nothing have happened.

27. Who did you last chat with in MSN today?
Nobody

28. Who do you admire most?
Conan/Shinichi n also the author.

29. Which month were you born in?
September.

30.How are you feeling now?
Happy, enjoying the time with my family.

31. What is the time now?
Go see the clock yourself…

32. What kind of person of person do you think is who last tagged you?
No one tag me before, this is the 1st time…

33. What colour do you use to dye your hair ?
Laziness prevented me from dying my hair…

34. Why are you doing this quiz?
Force to do so… (never wanted to)

35. What do you do when you are moody?
Keep quiet then think about things.

36. At which stage do you intend to get married?
ll think about it when I grow up into a adult.

37. Who is most important to you?
Family, espeacially my lovely sisters.

38. If today was your last day of your life, what will you do?
Say goodbye to my frens and family, then leave happily.

39. Who is/are the people (person) you trust most?
God, then is my parents and my sisters.

40. Do you believe in seeing the rainbow after the rain?
Yup, saw it before.

41. If you have a dream come true, what will it be?
Can live happily with no worries… ( it ll never come true through)

42. What is/are your goal(s) this year ?
Uncountable

43. Do you believe in eternal love?
Yup, the love my parents and my sister give is eternal and I will give it back.

44. What feeling do you love most?
Touched… When I can finally cry out loud.

45. Do you really think it's global warming now?
Dun really care

46. What feeling do you hate most?
When nidda leave something behind or let go something.

47. Do you love doing quizzes?
Depends on wad kind of quiz, like most of it.

48. Do you believe in God?
Yup, and forever I will.

49. Who cares for you most?
My parents and sibling.

50. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
Trust.

51. What will you bring when you fight?
My hands and legs and of cos my brain.

52. What have you regretted doing in your whole life?
Yup, as a matter a fact I have been regretting for quite a lot of things.

53. What do you do if nobody cares for you anymore?
I rather be dead.

54. What will you do if your boyfriend/girlfriend two-timed you?
Huh? Wad does that mean?

55. How do you feel right now?
Happy, can believe I am actually doing this stupid quiz…

those tagged pls do this quiz

世上最失败的人。。。

想说的话说不出，想要的东西要不到，想得的东西得不到，想放下的东西放不下，想忘的东西忘不了，想做的事却做不好，想离开却舍不得，想笑却笑不出，想哭却哭不出，想装却装不真，想骗却骗不了。。。我。。。应该是世上最失败的人吧。。。
一个骗不了人的骗子签~~~

Lacking of self-confidence is my worst weakness, setting high goals made it worse... How can I discribe how I hate myself? Can anyone teach me a way to get the hatred away? How many more secrets do I not know about myself?

School holiday...

Haha… Finally school holidays had arrived!!! Gone back to Malaysia and stayed with my family. Finally I get to see my cute little sisters… Quite busy these days... Only left little time to suff the net, blogging and go online... A busy but wonderful holiday... Although it was only half of it... I realized that I am more happy staying in my own country than in Singapore. Before I came back I was always scare of the night… The cold trilling night… but not now. For now, I always waited until midnight to collect my memories and find what I had new things I had done and what I had learned. And the main point is I enjoyed it. I was thinking … Since I feel happy living in Malaysia… Maybe staying back in Malaysia and study is a good choice… Wasn’t it?

Wad happened?

Today I was watching a show showing someone broke a girl's leg just to forbident her from playing basketball. At that moment I felt the pain and the sadness as if the girl was myself... The scene keep apearing in my mind... Watz wrong with me? As if there was a stone stuck in my heart... Felt weird and pain at the same time... Remembering some time before, I was watching high school musical 2. I somehow feel really damn jeolous looking at the two main character... Wad happened to me... I had never felt so damn crazy before... Why do I feel jeolous so easily? Why do I feel so heart broken easily? Why do I get effected so damn easily?

A new start

Yesterday, my cute little sis and I was in the study room. She said something like, "I can close myself." Then I corrected her, "U can control not close." When she left, I thought, can I really close myself? Maybe my sis is right, there is this sentense. She wasn't wrong.
Got a nice new haircut. The hair dresser is kinda funny and gay. His first sentence when he saw me: "小妹妹你等一下，哥哥去拿剪刀。" I was like,diao... Do I look so small? Before he start cutting, I ask him if he could cut shorter, he said, "U'll look even smaller if u do that." At that moment, I really feel like punching him. After he had done with the cutting, I looked at the mirror, I look really different maybe a bit smaller...(unfortunately, he turned out to be right...) I smiled, at least I like it. A new start... I will leave everything behind and prepare for the next year even if I don't want to. Concentrate and get hold of what was there for me. Leaving others behind as they will only become memory and nothing more. Maybe it will hurt but only for a short while. It will get better when time goes on...
*I know that I'm selfish.

稻香-周杰伦 rox！

对这个世界如果你有太多的抱怨
跌倒了就不敢继续往前走
为什麽人要这麽的脆弱 堕落
请你打开电视看看
多少人为生命在努力勇敢的走下去
我们是不是该知足
珍惜一切 就算没有拥有
还记得你说家是唯一的城堡
随着稻香河流继续奔跑
微微笑 小时候的梦我知道
不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑
乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
回家吧 回到最初的美好

不要这麼容易就想放弃 就像我说的
追不到的梦想 换个梦不就得了
为自己的人生鲜艳上色 先把爱涂上喜欢的颜色
笑一个吧 功成名就不是目的
让自己快乐快乐这才叫做意义
童年的纸飞机 现在终於飞回我手里
所谓的那快乐 赤脚在田里追蜻蜓追到累了
偷摘水果被蜜蜂给叮到怕了 谁在偷笑呢
我靠著稻草人吹著风唱著歌睡著了
哦 哦 午后吉它在虫鸣中更清脆
哦 哦 阳光洒在路上就不怕心碎
珍惜一切 就算没有拥有

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡 随著稻香河流继续奔跑
微微笑 小时候的梦我知道
不要哭让萤火虫带著你逃跑 乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
回家吧 回到最初的美好

小生命

我站在走廊，听着电话，欣赏华中的夜景。。。这是我呆在华中最后的几日。。。和母亲聊完了电话，伏在栏杆上，听着楼下传来的吉他声。吉他声带着一种温暖，像是述说了一个悲伤的故事，一个充满意义，充满温暖的故事。。。我低下了头，沉睡在自己的世界里。无意间，发现了一珠长在壁缝的小树苗。两片绿绿的叶子出现在一面墙壁上。常呆在那儿的我，竟然没发现它。。。我呆呆地望着在这狭窄壁缝里，只靠下落的雨水与阳光成长的小树苗。想起它所经过的难关，所经过的阻碍。。。它成功了，成功长出了壁缝来到了这五彩缤纷的世界，这是它努力的代价，它的奖励。人生不是也一样吗？我们必须经过悲伤与失败低落的过程才能得到成功与收获。因为有了失败，低落与悲伤，我们才能成长，才能领悟。因为有了悲伤，低落与失败，我学会了体谅，明白了友情的重要。。。因为有了悲伤，低落与失败，我学会了放下，学会了牺牲。。。因为有了悲伤，低落与失败，我变得坚强，也学会了等待。。。因为有了悲伤，低落与失败，生活才会变得有趣。我现在还是分不清，自己到底是成功还是失败的。。。往往在某些事上成功了但也同时在某些事上失败。比如，一位成功的企业家却是一个失败的父亲。。。他是成功还是失败呢？成功会比失败好吗？成功有时反而会变成一个恶魔。。。有些人成功后，就会开始骄傲。。。有的会接受不了失败。。。有的会变成得贪心。。。那现在我再问你。。。成功真的比失败好吗？

戏与梦

以下是林清玄的一篇散文：

一位在电影上都演出完美爱情的女明星，现实生活的感情却一再遭到挫败。
当她接受记者的访问时，感慨地说：“演了这么多年的戏，设想到演自己是最辛苦和失败的，因为演别人时可以根据剧本的情节来演出，但是演自己时，却没有写好的剧本，没有彩排，也没有NG，一旦演坏了，就要承担所有的责任。”
因此，她说：“演别人容易，做自已难。”
读了这个报道，我的感触很深，大凡世事皆是如此，旁观者清，当局者迷；站在岸边时容易客观，身陷洪流时就会迷乱了，在现实社会，我们可能看到心理学家比一般人有更多的心理情结；专门为人解答婚姻爱情的人，自己的爱情婚姻可能一塌糊涂。
由于真实人生没有剧本，没有彩排，不能重来，所以要紧的是活在眼前，让每一个眼前都活在最好的状况，承担此刻的责任，那么结局即使不能完美，过程也没有遗憾了。
世事离戏只有一步之远。
人生离梦也只有一步之遥。
生命最有趣的部分，胜过演戏与做梦的部分，正是它没有剧本、没有彩排、不能重
来。
生命最有分量的部分，正是我们要做自己，承担所有的责任。

我认为他们两人，都说得很对。演自己是最难得。。。我自己往往会给自己打败，把自己迷失。。。奇怪的是，世界上最难了解的人便是自己。。。有时当我觉得我很了解自己的需求，自己的目标。。。但后来发现全是虚伪的。。。但当演自己时，没有剧本。。。因为没有剧本，便不能预知将会发生事。。。因此会感到格外的刺激并有着一种的期待。。。生活已变得有趣。。。倘若生活是暗淡无趣的。。。那我们活着还有什么意义呢？

my blog looks as if it was dying... maybe im similar to my blog... A lot of things had happened ever since the exam period had ended... Most of them are saddening... There was something wrong with me. Something unplesant...

Lying on the bed, thinking what had happened during the days in singapore... I had changed a lot. My friend once glance at me and said, "U had changed a lot. U aren't ur old self. U re very different from the u I know in the past." That time I don't understand what she was saying. But now I do... Maybe the pain had changed me. I had to make a lot decision here. Life goes on no matter what.It won't wait for anyone. Sometimes we just have to give up something, we just have to make sacrifics.

Flash backs...

For some reasons…I am still up at this time of the day… And was reading ghost stories online 4 the whole night… But I don’t feel scare… Instead i feel like as if I had gone back to the past. Remembering the times I was under my blanket, holding the torch light with the book…

Somehow I was always discovered the next day and needed to face the scolding and punishment… Remember the times when I was ready to be canned… I have my own ways of avoiding it… It is to hide the cane behind the shelves… I believe that here are still some of them there… I remembered the times I lost in my chess competition and I would throw or hide the score sheets if there is any… Or sometimes when I broken things and I would hid it under the table.

I remember once I accidentally made my sister fell off the trolley and injured her head… That night I was canned until my leg was bleeding… Ouch! That cane sure left some marks there…

These days I was actually living in my own world. Having a lot of thought and ignoring what was happening around me… I felt like when I am in primary school. Always deep in my thoughts, always looking for questions and asking unreasonable question, like: Why am I alive? Why am I a human? Something like that…
And it suddenly reminds me of my teacher who had passed away while teaching us. The part when he fainted and was gone… The shocking, the crying, the yelling… Then there was the part I left M’sia… The first time for me really crying and realizing that I am actually going to spore… alone…

I am still wondering if it is a right choice… A lot of things that I haven’t even dreamt happened… I could have write a book out of it… Maybe I should just start writing it… The title… Llife in hostel? Or Life without parents? Or my wonderful experience? Or what?

A lot of sad, happy, boring, wonderful… All the memories crumpled and was struck in my mind… Is this what life is about? Peace may bring a boring life but an interesting life will bring in pain. And pain is the part where it actually makes us grow and be more mature…

But it is the people’s choice to choose and boring life or an interesting one… It depends on how they see it… And soon it will tell you if you had made a right or a wrong choice… But if it is a normal boring life… What are we still living for? Might as well be dead then stuck in the boringness… That’s my feeling then… Whats yours?

A cute but touching story

The story is titled, a present of ‘nothing’… It may seem a bit lame and funny at the start… (note tt the “I” in the story refers to a pet dog)

My friend, Charlie’s (Also another pet dog) birthday is coming soon. I was deciding what to give him. He had a cozy bed, enough food, a squeaky toy and a pillow… He had everything… So what should I give him? I should give him… nothing! Yes, NOTHING. But how do I give him nothing? I heard my owner sitting in front of the TV and said “There is nothing to watch today…” But I always saw something in there… I heard my owner’s wife coming back home from the shopping center saying “There is nothing to buy…” So… I went to the shopping center… But there were a lot of things waiting to be sold. In the end I decided to give Charlie an empty box… I found an empty box in the basement. But I think that he should deserve more… So I went to the basement again and got a bigger box. I wrapped it. Charlie’s birthday had arrived… I took the box to Charlie’s house. He took the present happily and opened it… He said “There’s nothing inside…” I said, “There is nothing except for you and me…” Charlie smiled and hugged me. We sat on the sofa doing nothing but… feeling everything…

Lost in darkness...

I had forgotten how to cry... I had forgotten how to laugh... I had forgotten how I start... And how I survived... I had forgotten who I am... My world had been taken away from me... Where am I? I am lost... in darkness... Now I am trying to find out who I am... Can anyone give me an answer? My mind is burning... in a hot fire...

Curse and blessing...

I had came across a lot of unlucky things... But it turned out to be a blessing... It hard to dicide which is curse and which is blessing... It may looked like a blessing at the start... But it may only last for a short while and turn into a curse... Don't think that it is impossible... In this everchanging world... Everything is possible... There is something called miracle... It needs faith to appear... You need to believe it... Although it is rare... But it is a chance that it may happen... Although hopes looks like it had been swept away... But when you believe somehow it will happen... Who knows what miracle you may achieve... It maybe a lot greater then you had imagined...

A weird day...

I felt warm… Maybe I am having a fever… Having maths test tomorrow… What luck? But today I really had a weird day. We (me & cam) went to West Mall for lunch. We ate at the Subway. After we brought our meals, we looked for empty seats. In the end we shared a table with a women. She was in her early thirties and was waiting for her husband who was buying their lunch with their children. Somehow we started a ‘long’ conversation that last for almost 2 hours. Then, we went for some shopping (being forced to, I hated shopping through…) When we were about to leave… We came upon an uncle who was selling IQ games. The shocking part was that he didn’t finish his sec3 but got a master degree for something. We talked for at least 2 hours plus. In the end of the day, I still couldn’t believe that I actually talked to strangers for almost 4 hours… I wondered if everyone in this world were not greedy… This world will really be a better place…

IQ test

I found a IQ test on the net... It is in Chinese.
If u wanna play it, take out a piece of paper and write down the answer for the following question... Pls dun cheat yourself by seeing the ans at the end of the post...

1. 英国有没有七月四日(美国独立纪念日)？
2. 一个人一辈子有几个生日？
3. 大月有31天，小月有30天，那麽一年中几个月有28天？
4. 棒球比赛每一局有几人出局？
5. 在美国加州，一个男人可否和他的寡妇的姊姊或妹妹合法结婚？
6. 30除以二分之一再加上10等於多少？
7. 桌上有3个苹果，你拿起2个，你还有几个？
8. 医生给你3个药丸，要你每30分钟吃1个，这些药丸多久後会被吃完？
9. 农夫有17只羊，除了9只以外都病死了，农夫还剩几只羊？
10. 摩西将每种动物选了几只带上方舟？
11. 一打每张叁元的邮票共有几张？








Answer

1. 有，每个国家都有七月四日
2. 一个
3. 12个，每个月都有
4. 6个，上下半局各3个
5. 不能，他已经死了
6. 70
7. 2个，因为你只拿了2个
8. 60分钟，第1个 --- 间隔30分钟 --- 第2个 --- 间隔30分钟 --- 第3个，共60分钟
9. 9只
10. 0只，方舟是诺亚建造的，和摩西没有关系
11. 12张

Nothing is pure...

A new month have finally arrived... Theres exam tomorrow... But today really was a beautiful day... I found out that... no matter what day you have... You will have both happiness and sadness... Lucky and unlucky... There aren't a day that was pure happiness, sadness, lucky or unlucky... Its only the problem with the amount of which you have more...It was the same as beautiful, bright, dark and ect... If you see a bright day... You must remember somwhere in this world is dark... If you feels lucky... Someone in this world will be feeling unlucky... They may be just by your side... Its only because you didn't notice... It isn't because there aren't... Those who were still in darkness were waiting for people to help them... Were waiting for people to notice them... Many talk different from what they think... Many look different from the outside with what they were in the inside... Please try to find them... They were desperately waiting for help... Try to look into what they were thinking... Try to pay attention to those who were around you... You may find something you had never imagined before... Don't be blinded...

Broken recorder... (edited version...)

Oh wow... Thanks to the broken recorder... It made me feel guilty... Why the hell you all go read the broken recorder when I told you all not to... Anyways... On ur request... Here is the full version of 'The broken recorder...'(so force to...) Dun ever blame me if you cry...



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I thought that today would be a bright day... But it soon proved that I am wrong... Another tomorrow had arrived... It was a new day... But it is too normal as if it was yesterday. I reached school, waiting for someone to appear before me... But she did not turn up. During lesson time... I kept turning around... searching for someone who will never be there... We had group discusion during ce lesson... We had fun. But I feel empty... Someone's laughter was missing... I stared blankly at the empty desk... Waiting for the owner to walk in and sit on it. I sat on the desk quietly... waiting for her to join in and give some advices. I looked at one of the players as she tripped and fell on the parade square... I waited... to see her laugh at the girl and say that she is just like herself... I deeply knew that it wasn't going to happened anymore... But I still don't want give up. I just can't give up. It seems hopeless... But I still think that there is hope... I may be cheating myself... But I don't care... I just want to see her and wave goodbye to her. I remembered that time she was scolded by a harsh teacher… Her face was darkening… In a bad mood… Her tears dripped from her eyes… When she saw me walking in her direction… She quickly wiped off her tears, trying to smile and laugh like nothing had ever happened… She was trying to act cheerfully… It made me feel even sad… My heart went so cold… As if it was winter… Seeing her acting… This was the first but also the last time I had ever seen her like that… She said that the harsh teacher said that she was lack of communication… Saying that she don’t have any friends… This was the reason scolding her and taking away her recess time… If she don’t have any friends… What are we??? I was wondering… Why did the teacher treated her so damn unfair compared to me… The teacher should advise her better try to crop with the class like what she did to me… But instead she SCOLDED her for that stupid excuse??? And now… She was gone… And that harsh teacher acted as if nothing had happened… What did she do to deserve that? It is so damn unfair!!! I remembered the joke I told her before the day she was gone… Her laughter keep ringing in my mind... As if a broken recorder... Keep on playing the same thing... again... and again...

The dream… What is it telling me?

Ps. This is something related to Christ... So 4 those who re non-christian... Sry...

I had a dream last night… It was something related to heaven and hell… I remember that I had somehow landed there… at a port. I walked slowly to the seaside and saw many people struggling to climb up to the dry land. I held out my hands to help one of them… I saw a smile appeared on the guy’s face… An evil smile… He took hold my hands… instead of climbing up… He pulled me down into the water… Before I knew it… I was deep under the water… The water was hot… Hotter than boiling water… I felt as if I was burning in a huge fire… At that moment… My body could not move… As if coma… I was downing in this fire burning water…
Then… there was a hand… The hand pulled me up and onto the dry land… I felt dizzy… I heard a voice… The voice said: “Don’t go near the seaside nor help neither any nor them… They are dangerous… They are devils… If you fall into the water… You won’t be able to climb up again…” I opened my eyes and saw a boy about sixteen, smiling at me… Then there were sounds of gunfire… He whispered, “The devils were here… Stay close to me…” He took hold of my hand then said, “You ready to run?”
I asked, “What…” Before I could finish my sentence… I found myself guided by the boy running around the area like the wind… No… We were a lot faster than the wind… We were running in lightning speed… (I would have broken the world record if I could run like that in the real world…) Then he hold me and flew into the sky in a really fast speed… I felt scare and hugged him so tight that I was wondering if he could breath… Everything around me was blur… But in mid air… We were surrounded by millions and millions of ugly looking creatures… He fought and used his body as a shield to protect me…
I remember he had spoken something like a spell or a curse… Then all the ugly creatures slowly collapsed and then fell onto the ground below. But so was him… He was weakening every minute and blood was all over his body. His face looked whiter and whiter… We landed on a ground which seem to be floating in the sky… He fell to the floor… I quickly hold him… I sat on the floor while my hands were hugging him. I cried and said, “Please don’t die… Please don’t…”
He turned around and smiled… He said, “I knew that this was going to happen… I’m going to die anyway… To save my people… Using my blood…” I asked between tears, “Why? You shouldn’t have saved me… You should have let me die in the burning sea… If it wasn’t for me… You wouldn’t have been hurt…” He said in a clam voice, “The reason that I was summoned into this world… is to save my people… And you are one of them…” I asked, “Who are you? Who summoned you?” He replied gracefully, “My godly Father…”
Then he closed his eyes… For a sudden, everything felt silent... And I was dragged into total darkness… I woke up and found myself in my same old room… Tears were dripping from my eyes… My body was cold as ice… I suddenly had a feeling that I had died before…
I felt as if I had been between the borderline of the heaven and hell… The sea was hell… The land floating in the sky was heaven… I remembered that the bible had said that hell was a fierce burning fire… I was in the middle point of both hell and heaven… And the sixteen years old boy… Who is him? He didn’t tell me his name… Could he be Jesus? Godly Father… Save his people… His blood… His sacrifice… Especially his warnings, “If you fell into the water… You won’t be able to climb up…” It was like “If you got into hell… You won’t be able to get out…” Almost everything is related to Jesus… What was the purpose for letting me have this dream? What was God, our father in the heavens trying to tell me?

Freedom...

I want to be free from my own heart... My painful heart... Today… I had successfully locked it in a room which is very far away from here... But I don't think that it would be long for it to return to me... How I hope that the exam period could last longer… Somehow I feel happy when more stress come… What had happened to me? Am I a nerd? Am I retarded? My world is no longer mine… It had somehow disappeared. I guess it should had been taken away from me… It is a good or bad news? I don’t know… Maybe I don’t want to know…

Sunrises... Sunsets...

People that walk by you and things that get lost in the mess are all the memories that will disappear. Violent shaking strength transiently waving weakness. After all they will come to the same end. Such a day melts the red mist. As sun rise, the world is stained in crimson... As sun sets the world is also stained in crimson. What is the differents between sunrise and sunset? Anyone would have agreed that it is equally beautiful... No differents... For me... There is a big differents... Sunrise gave me strength as it was fortelling that the start of the new day is coming. While for sunset... It made me happy yet sad... Happy to see the wonderful moment... Sad because it also mean that the darkness is arriving... I was supposed to be ready for this solitary journey... But I failed to do so... Why is it so? The scars are increasing in numbers... what should I do?

EOY...

Oh wow... EOY have finally arrivied. I feel glad when exams come. It made me busy and don't let me have the spare time to think about all the sad things... I just loved exam. I need to thank the teachers for giving such an easy title and passange for oral. Wow! Today really is a bright day. I may not have good grades but I am sure I won't be as bad as last time. For some reason, I am filled with energy and faith. I hold my reference book.My footsteps were brisk, with great cautiousness, as if any sound would break the tranquil brightness and the gentle sunlight that brought light to this earth, that brighten my day.

Left behind...

The feeling of being left behind… It makes me feel that I am so out-dated… I just hate it… What should I do to prevent it? I felt hurt. I just somehow felt the pain being alone… I know that God is with me… But for some reason I still feel empty… What should I do? I won’t do anything to change myself… I just want to be myself… But… what should I do then? I found out that I actually can’t do anything by myself… Am I too stubborn? too selfish? or what? I know that had a lot of negative sites… But… this is me… What do you expect? What do you want me to do? Maybe I really deserve the pain… But… who knows?

A broken recorder

I thought that today would be a bright day... But it soon proved that I am wrong... Another tomorrow had arrived... It was a new day... But it is too normal as if it was yesterday. I reached school, waiting for someone to appear before me... But she did not turn up. During lesson time... I kept turning around... searching for someone who will never be there... We had group discusion during ce lesson... We had fun. But I feel empty... Someone's laughter was missing... I stared blankly at the empty desk... Waiting for the owner to walk in and sit on it. I sat on the desk quietly... waiting for her to join in and give some advices. I looked at one of the players as she tripped and fell on the parade square... I waited... to see her laugh at the girl and say that she is just like herself... I deeply knew that it wasn't going to happened anymore... But I still don't want give up. I just can't give up. It seems hopeless... But I still think that there is hope... I may be cheating myself... But I don't care... I just want to see her and wave goodbye to her. Her laughter keep ringing in my mind... As if a broken recorder... Keep on playing the same thing... again... and again...

Lies...

The sky can’t tell lies… Therefore the sunsets are forever beautiful… Because it is pure... More pure than anyone one in this world... My world... No days falls to meet the dawn… Even if the darkness heartlessly takes over the world… Sweeps it away from me when it is still uncompleted… Even if I ponder the absurdity I had experience… The blade inside my heart doesn’t seem to fade… But I have faith in the one and only strength in this ever changing world… Because I have faith in my friends, family and everyone who gave me the special strength… Therefore… I choose to live in it… I will leap over the wall… The future is surely awaiting for us… so let’s bid farewell to yesterday… But there is still a long journey waiting ahead… A endless journey that no one will be able to finish it… So… Lets swear to each other that… We stand against the time that sleeps at the swaying red sky and continue forward… But… can I keep this promise? Maybe its just a lie… I don't sense anything had happened... But… I want to be as pure as the sky… Will forever be the true…

Im acting???

Tears filled my eyes… It blurred my vision… The world I see at a second glance is filled with dust, afterimages and heavy shadows… I made some scar today… Maybe I should have made more… Feeling the sharpness of the fragment of the glass… It is thousand times more wonderful then using the blade… Thanks to the biology test… I only remember the first sentence I said to my friend after I got my paper… “you may see jumping off the 7th floor after we were released…” Maybe I should have done it. Or else I won’t have any problem, sadness, pain or anything by now… I tried hard to act as if nothing has happened but I failed… I tried not to cry. But my stubborn tears disobeyed the orders… I am such a failure… But, at least I had a bit success in the end… Nobody knew I was emoing. Expect those who saw my tears… knew. Well… The colour of the scar looked nice… At least it is to me… Nobody wants people to know that they are sad or what… But maybe there is… But I am not that kind… I am acting with a wonderful mask… A mask that totally covers and prevents the real me from being seen and found… The real me is still trying to find out the answer for my question… But what is the question? How do I know what I am seeking for???

Can hatred be removed?

I was having study time and at the same time doing something which is considered illegal. I was smsing with a friend of mine. She said that she hated english remedia, a so-called tuition which we had every wednesday. Well... Actually I also hated it before...I thought that it was just a waste of time and it was so boring at I could fell asleep in five seconds after the lesson starts. But then, I turned around and started to think... Even if I hated it ike hell or like siao... I still need to go for it. No matter what I do or I feel... It will just go back to the same ending. Therefore, I tried to learn to like it. I only think how much fun I can have and not how boring it is. And somehow I started to love english remedia... And was looking forward for it each day. Is hated something that can be removed? I am trying to think positively in everything I hated... I know that it is very difficult to make something you hated into something you love or like... But... I think... It is still worth a try...

Guilty...

Don’t give me that smile. You made me feel guilty… Why can’t you just put it down? And start all again? Why you just dangle there? Is starting all again that hard? Maybe it is… I am not sure but… I am sure that I can’t give you any hope... I will only hurt you again and again… Why are you so damn stubborn? Why can’t you just let go? There are a whole lot of people out there… Why can’t you just let go? You make me feel guilty… I don’t deserve it… I don’t want to take advantage on you like other peoples do… I feel guilty but… I can only treat you as a friend… What do you want me to do?

My birthday...

Oops… This year I didn’t celebrate my birthday again. Yay!!! I feel glad man… XP Actually, should I sorrow or rejoice? My birthday had passed without me noticing… A month before my birthday I was anxiously looking forward to my birthday's arrival… But when that day had finally arrived… I don’t feel like having it and I kept on forgetting it. It sounds weird… Very weird indeed. Somehow I learned to hate birthday celebrations. Past few years of my birthday celebrations were just buying, cutting and eating the cake. Then, the celebration had come to an end. I am still wondering… Why should we celebrate birthday? Our birthday is a day that our mother suffers and their lives had been threatened. Why were we the one who get present and not our mothers? Why aren’t we the one who go and buy present? Well… Maybe it doesn’t bother you… But it bothers me a lot. We didn’t do anything to deserve all the presents. And yet we got the greatest present of all… Life. My birthday always reminds me that I need to thank my mother for giving birth to me… I don’t hope for a celebration, presents or anything. I only hope that my parents are still alive and are living this earth. And that is the only and everything about birthdays to me.

Friendship...

You left without saying goodbye... You just simply left... Leaving your friends behind. You helped me to find friendship and happiness in class. But... You quietly took yours away... How can you absent a few days from school and say that you aren't coming back? But... I want to thank you. I still remember the times went we partnered together when having physical education... You always cheer me up when I am emoing. But it seems that it won't be happening again... I won't be able to hear your encouragements, your jokes and see your smile and you... But... It will forever live in my memories... No matter how far we are... I will remember you. And you will always be my friend. Always!

Ps: Suhaila I hope that you could read this post...

Is this the feeling of... death?

After breaking the record of not posting anything on my blog for one day. I broke another record today for not going online for the whole day. What happened today? I felt like vomitting after having a good dinner. As if there was something stuck in my throat. I could not really breathe... I was scare that I would faint for lacking air. As if imgaination... I felt that darkness was closing in. Is my life ending here? I had a undiscribeble feeling... It made me suffer but I felt very confortable and free at that time... I suddenly felt cold and warm at the same time. Is this the feeling of... death? But soon the feeling disappeared and so was the thing in my throat. Somehow I weren't scare at all... It is confusing... I am confused by my own feelings... I do not really knew what I felt that time. Maybe I just don't want to know... It is just undiscribeble... Ununderstandable...

Juz let it be as it should be...

I act as I am doing nothing, talking about nothing. It's not important to know if that's right or wrong. With my faces looking like I am not thinking a thing but I felt everything. A lot of things have happened, haven't they? A lot of things are still happening… To today, tomorrow was an unknown light… You will never hear me say the phase “See you tomorrow.” Because nobody will know what will happen tomorrow… Will I still be alive? Or will you? To today, yesterday is just memories. You're alive and I'm alive, that's all and everything for today. And for tomorrow… Just let it be as it should be. Our fate is already stated and there isn’t a way to change it. So just let it be as it should be. If tomorrow I had to disappear… I just hope I could stay in the memories of the people I know, I like and I love. Then, that’s enough for me. I just want people to know and remember that I had existed… Then, I am already a thousand times luckier than some people…

Alone

With the sunset, the city quietly forgets its violence
Someday the sky I'm looking at will return my heart, somewhere
I've become somewhat accustomed to this new life, but
My selfish self remembers you
Alone, we are each born
Embracing our own flowers, in order that we may meet
The colored street has a nostalgic scent
No one has a similar sunset in their heart
Even now, the color of the tears that don't know drying
Talks of dreams, just like that time
Alone, If you look up at the sky, alone
The mad passion laughs lightly
I had the feeling that someday you woudn't be here
But times change, and maybe I'll find you
Alone, if I fall in love, alone
My heart will be exposed to the light and my love will burn
You're gone, a voice will continue singing forever
How far will it reach? Now, I want to see you

Somehow...

On the day I arrived at this world, it was meant to be like this. Reality is a traitor… It made me easy to misjudge things… Things move on no matter what. You need to protect yourself in order to live… This is what the world is about. I somehow got into this kind of world… Somehow I am happy but somehow it also hurts. I had arrived at this time. And somehow I met you. I realized that I came into this kind of world in this kind of time just to meet you. I am what I am in the past just to fulfill the need in order to know you. It isn’t because I want you but it is because I need you… I won’t regret for what I had done. Nothing in the world is better than a phrase ‘I like you’ that came from you. No matter what happened in the future, you will forever be in my heart…

Ps. Somehow wrote this out after listening to a tune. Most of the things I wrote is what I read from 1 of the books. I noe tt Im lame. XP

Unreal...

I had been studying in Singapore for 9 months. But I still don't believe that this is real. After so many things had happened... I still think that this is a dream... A wonderful dream filled with pain, sweetness, happiness and sadness... I wish that I could one day wake up and find myself still studyin in Malaysia. This world is so unreal. Just like a fairy tale, full of unimaginable and unpredictable things. Some are happy, some are sad, some are sweet, some are sour, some are wonderful and some hurts... Why things go my way when I don't wan it to? Why does it always go wrong at the worse time? I had been send to the bottom and had finally climbed up... Why is it replaying? Why I can be draged back to the drakness so easily? Im tired... Im stressed up... Why can't just let me rest for a while? This world is so unfair... So unblance... Why some can enjoy while others suffer?

My dicision...

Just met a future counsellor... Maybe what she told me would work... But there is also a chance it won't. Sorry... But I couldn't take the risk. Anyway, I still wanna thank the counsellor for sacrificing her time to deal with my trouble. I had already hurted one so badly and I don't wish to hurt one again. That is why I hesitated. When you exprience it... You will know how I feel now. Two new roads had appeared before me. I am still diciding which road I should go... The narrow one or the wide one. It is hard to dicide. I will wait until the right time has come and make the final dicision. There is no turning back... I will let the time to dicide my fate. Decided the path I should walk. It is still rainin. I am waitin for the sun to come out. I am still waiting for the new day to start...

You Are a Hunter Soul

You are driven and ambitious - totally self motivated to succeed Actively working to achieve what you want, you are skillful in many areas. You are a natural predator with strong instincts ... and more than a little demanding. You are creative, energetic, and an extremely powerful force. An outdoors person, you like animals and relate to them better than people. You tend to have an explosive personality, but also a good sense of humor. People sometimes see you as arrogant or a know it all. You tend to be a bit of a loner, though you hate to be alone. Souls you are most compatible with: Seeker Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Misunderstood...

Drops of crimson blood starts to drip from my hand. It doesn't hurt... Maybe a little. Many do not understand my feelings and that hurts... Many think that I am just writing things that upset myself... But... this is just what I feel... What i wanna ask... What I wanna know... Some say that I am too pessimistic for my age... Some say I am not optimistic enough... Some say I am not positive... But this is me... I won't or should I say I can't change. This is the me in the inside... The part of 'me' that hides deep inside my broken heart... The sorrow is endless... Maybe it will change to happiness... I don't know but also don't wanna know... I will just let the time control everything... The road had ended here... I am now waiting for a new road to be formed... Not matter how long it will take... I will be waiting.

Blessing... Or curse?

The scars are disappearing day by day. What if it is same with memories? Is it a blessing or a curse? Curse? No, it doesn't seem so... If memories can be forgotten... All the bad and sad memories of mine will disappear like it had never happened before... Blessing? No, it doesn't seem so either... All the happy memories will also vanish. And one will be empty forever... If one can live forever... Is it a blessing or a curse? What will one feel when one sees his/her friends, family, relative and loved ones die one by one? If you are force to kill ur loved one... Will you rather kill yourself? Or die together will your loved one? What is love? How do you know if it is real? Or just fake?

Lonely old man....

Inside the small and almost airless sports hall, I was sweating like hell. It is hot but it gave me a sence of belonging. I am training with my fellow teammates. We had fun and laughed a lot. At that momment, I can forget all the sadness and loneliness. I feel power welling up in me. It is incredible... Just then, I saw an old man. He was holding a racket and was standing at the corner of the hall. He walked over and asked "Can I join in? " We noded and he smiled,his eyes crinkling. He look like a child who just got a new toy. He was smiling the whole time. He was searching something that i had been searching too. And both of us had found it... Right here, in this small hall...

Peace...

In this peaceful night, I am gazing at the dark blue sky, hearing the melodious notes of the birds on the branches. And for the first time I realised that the moon is so bright and beautiful. I thought it was just like me, alone without companian. But soon, the stars appear. I smiled weakly at it. It seems that the moon also hav a companian. Luna... Wad a beautiful name... Everything around me was quiet. I feel peace and the loneliness. I looked at the scars on my wrist and feel it with my hand. All the old memories walk pass my mind as if it had just happened yesterday. Drops of tears landed on my pearl white t-shirt. I am alone again... Am I imagine or what? I saw all my friends walking pass me as if they do not know me... Can I forsaken the loves and dreams that well up? And complete the mission with my hands? My eyes are searching for the me that stands somewhere ahead of me. I am still in darkness... When will the dawn come? Where is the time that there is no need to be mortified or be shamed? When will it come? I only know that it is far away... Further than anyone can imagine...

Sunset...

Why does sunset last for only such a short moment? Why such wonderful thing last only for a while? Why can't it last forever, not letting the drakness to take over? The sunset is the most beautiful view I had ever see in the whole world. But it is also the most sad view I ever see... When I look at it I feel happy and yet very sad... Is happiness similar to sunset? Why does sadness always overcome happiness? Why does sadness always come right after happiness? Why does happiness last shorter than it should be while sadness last longer than it should be? Why can't it be reversed? I always gazed at the sunset thought a mist of tears. I always tell myself that i am not alone. But when I look more carefully... I found that... I accually am alone. Being alone hurts... It really hurts a lot... I juz don't wanna face the reality. I juz dun wanna be hurt. I found that Im juz... deluding myself...

You Are 68% Emo

While you may not be completely emo, you have a sensitive, deep, troubled soul.

Are You Emo?

Where is 'me'?

Another tomorrow had arrived. I am still up at 2 in the morning. The cold wind messed my hair. It is cold outside but warm in the inside. My heart is cracking for no reason. Maybe there is, but I don’t want to know. I feel that I am disappearing. Where is the real me? Hidden? Dead? Or this is the real me? I admit that scars are painful… to the inside but not the outside. (If you know what I mean… ) I wonder if anyone had ever saw my hidden wounded heart or hear my deep sad heartbeats… I can only tell the darkness but not the dawn, the sadness of the fate of life but not the happiness. Can I stand until the day death claims me? Or will I be lying on the floor, empty when that day arrives?

You Are Pretty Logical

You're a bit of a wizard when it comes to logic While you don't have perfect logic, you logic is pretty darn good Keep at it - you've got a lot of natural talent in this area!

How Logical Are You?

The rain...

The rain... The loneliness... I am looking at the rain. Feelin the cold, the loneliness, the sadness. I am all alone in my room. How I wish I was at home, playing happily with my sisters. How i wish i was in school with my friends in M'sia. How i wish i am back in primary where i do not have any worries, any sadness. If i didn't choose to come here will I be different from now? Maybe totally different. How I miss the old days when I am surrounded by my friends and treated as a honoured student. But now i am juz a nobody... I am juz nothing. Even if i disappeared i do not think that anyone will notice... Just lik a torch swiched on under the mighty sun. I am juz wasting the battery, the time of everyone...

Waiting...

I closed my eyes, hearing my heart beats. I am desperately searching for where it belongs ever since it started working. And now it is in pain, but I know… There isn’t any world without pain. Every time I look at the red-stained sunset… I remember that… the world… is beautiful, very beautiful indeed… I had discovered a new side of myself. A side that I would never had imagined or dreamt. A side that hasn’t been showed to anyone. Not in the past, not now or in the future. It is a mask that I am wearing now. When will I be able to remove it? Will that day ever arrive? I am waiting for tomorrow to arrive, a new day will start. I am sure a new day will surely start but how many tomorrows do I need to wait?